It's happening again I don't know why or when it will happen but my minds decided it hates me, here it says is everything wrong about you, your ugly, fat, abrasive,mean, you can't amount to anything ever. People don't like you it says they feel bad for you, your fucking pathetic.
My mind tells me strangers hate me that, I'll fail if I try this or that so it's better to just stand still, but I hate myself more for that, to stagnant is worse then death yet it's all I can do when I'm like this.
My friends I don't deserve you, yet your what I need to push on, I don't always believe any of you like me, when I screw up I'm so fucking afraid that you'll leave you won't like me anymore, and I lock up when this happens,or make things worse because that's what I'm good at. I cry for hours after any slight altercation, because I know you'll hate me now you'll leave, and I love you all too much. I feel like a burden on all of you. I'm scared I annoy you all with my whinyness and self hate so I try and lie sometimes, smile tell you I'm doing great but I'm not.
I'm trying so fucking hard. Brain please just let me be free.
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