At the beginning of this year I figured it would be another year of disappointment, failure, and I went into it with the same level of negativity that I've had since I was a child. Then the middle of the year, hit me hard and I thought I'd be checking out, that life was telling me that it was my time or that I had o overstayed my welcome. My God I'm so fucking happy that my friends and family didn't let me listen to that shitty voice.
This year has been a year of rebirth for me, a lot has changed and it started with me. It started with a conversation with a friend of mine named Devon Coxx, he told me " Lean on us your friends, when I was going though my own shit I shut down and I regret the friendships I strained due to it." I latched on to this idea and took it to the extreme, agreeing to every plan a friend of mine made, confiding in my inner circle opening up to people was something I was not good at, because a few people in my life told me what I was and I believed them. But I needed to change so I stepped outside me comfort zone whenever possiable, I took up as many hobbies and went on as many adventures as I could in the name of growth and distraction.
I made many new friends and I made my old friendships stronger, I used them when I felt I couldn't go on, and the ones that stayed when they saw me at my lowest will forever have my gratitude because without you, I would have never made it to where I am now. Old friends who I had thought I had lost came back into my life, once I realized I had been a shitty friend to them wallowing in my own self pity, and keeping them farther then arms length and for that I'll always be sorry, you mofos always have had my back and you deserved better. Every single fucking one of you I've learned and grown though thank you so much.
My focus shifted this year from all the bad things that happened to all the good things that were happening, I made a choice to not allow myself to be beat down like that again, to see my life as something amazing, to let go of anger and resentment that I'd held on to for years like a blanket with too many holes in it, it was time to replace my way of thinking, to one that didn't be live he was owed a thing but rather grateful for everything that I did have. But, there was something missing a hole in me that I couldn't fill with everything I'd tried to.
Then, she came into my life, we'd always been friendly and got along well at work but, I never in my life thought she'd mean as much to me as she does now. It started off a as good friendship, more physical then anything else, but quickly I realized that, she was cut of the same cloth as me, she threw things down and I picked them up, I thought she was too cool to like me in any other way then friend and I was ok with that not great but ok. Then I found out she felt the same way about me, SHE was actually nervous about us to and I could've just died of happiness. We click on every level, we get along like old friends that just get each other and it is insane to me sometimes that I had not seen this sooner. But maybe that was because I had to become what I have to truely let her in, so that Matttmar, could become a thing. I'm so thankful for you babyluv, your everything I need in a woman, strong, straight forward, fun, a touch crazy( in a way similar to me) your so fucking hot and cool, and just thank you for being you! You increase my confidence just knowing you are on my side.
And now it seems it's time to walk away from a job I've held for 7 years, my only job, really, And I find myself scared and excited for this new opportunity. I also think it's just crazy, how quickly life can change, 2016 is gearing up to be a good year for me all the cards seem like they are finally in place for me and for once I feel happy and content unafraid at what lies next because I know that with the help of my family and Friends I'm gonna rock 2016 and beyond. Cheers to you crazy mofos that make my life incredible!
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