When I first met you, I thought you were so cool, your attitude, your energy, the way you gave no fucks what the others thought. I was drawn to you, not in the way I am now but, I catch myself wishing that I had seen it sooner, we are yang and yang, we mesh so damn well that it is scary, babyluv we truly belong together.
I always respected you as a manager and a co-worker, the passion you have for your job, we could all see it in you. I remember being scared when Alan told me you were coming back because I knew my hours could be at risk with you back. I never worried about anyone else that way I was always confident in my abilities there but, you I knew that you would at the least rival me, but likely exceed me. I was worried then and I was worried years later when you came back to my store, because I knew only you could take that senior position from me, I was wrong to be worried, if I had been able to tell the future then I would have only been excited, if I had really understood that I was stressed about my soulmate entering my life again I would have laughed at myself.
The moment that I realized that I had a crush on you was strange, I was scrolling though face book when you picture caught my eye, you know the one your making a face with at least half your hair in one hand that you had just cut off yourself. That picture stopped me, it wasn't just your beautiful, face but the dorkiness of the picture this was someone who I could have fun with and was just amazingly beautiful I thought to myself, I bombed that photo with comments, but never did work up the courage to ask you out. A few more times I almost mustered up the courage and I just couldn't do it, you once asked me to lady and the tramp some breadsticks with you during this, and I was sooo down I said yes almost to quickly and you laughed at the "joke"
You called me up randomly one night, raytina had kicked you out of her house and you wanted to continue drinking a bit so you called and asked if you could come over, my heart skipped a beat then, I said "of course, man no problem" I thought I should play it cool obviously because you are such a badass. You came over but we couldn't find any similar games so we shuffled cards, all night then you went back into my room and plopped down on my bed, we bsed a little then you went to sleep, that morning you could've cut that tension with a knife, we eye balled each other and it only didn't happen because neither were sure of the other. You went home I kicked myself in the ass, I had just let this sexy woman leave without even trying anything!
You messaged me a day after, something to the affect of, "hey so did you feel that tension between us or was that just me" I actually broke out into the dumbest smile, " it wasn't just you" I repiled. That first night was amazing we definitely clicked in that department, we were like two animals in heat and we have not slowed down yet babyluv! The second time is when one realized I wanted something more with you, every time you came over we hung out for awhile before and I was enjoying that as much as everything else, I was very nervous about this because I had thought that what we were doing was all that you wanted, and at the time it was.
We went out one night, you told me that we were each other's beards that we would help each other get into the dating world again, and that you would wing man for me, you didn't notice how quiet I got each time you said that, how I kept stating "I don't know man, all I know is that I like you a lot" we went out that night, you took me to a club in which you were gonna wing man for me, we watched a fight happen, gambled a little bit, then closing time happened and we were not done yet, we swung by my place I grabbed more liqueur and we went up to la center to go to a Casino, but we never made it in, instead we drunkenly made out for 2hrs and bullshitted all night. We went to that hellhole of a motel and that's were the night went a bit sour that motel was fucking horrible and we both have agreed to burn it down one day, we had a bit of an argument, then screamed our heads off in metal voices that the motel could go Fuck itself, it's then I realized that I was in love with you, that whole car ride home I was nervous and scared you wouldn't want anything to do with me , I was wrong to be.
You see we click me and you we just do we are the same, our sense of humor, the way we Fuck, our personalities, everything just clicks and it scared the shit out of both of us I think, just how well we go together. Since then I've just fallen more in love with you as we go on, you've shown me that you have my back even when I'm drunk, and crying you backed me and I hope that you know that I've always got your back to babyluv. We have our funerals planned, and you've promised to dance in my hot snakes, we've lady and the tramped a candy came, and a chocolate doughnut right in the parking lot of winco, you've serenaded me with slow jams, and Mario even had his way with me.
I wrote this because my heart burns for you and I can't really put into words well enough the love, and passion I have for you, you came out of seemingly nowhere and for the life of me I can't belive I didn't see you before and I really wish that I had, because you Maria are my soulmate, because we are truly one, we are Matttmar two souls that were one but it was just too much of a Badass so Zeus himself had to split us, but we found each other anyway and I have no plans of letting anything split us again.
Saturday, January 9, 2016
Tuesday, December 22, 2015
2015 A Year of Transition and Growth
At the beginning of this year I figured it would be another year of disappointment, failure, and I went into it with the same level of negativity that I've had since I was a child. Then the middle of the year, hit me hard and I thought I'd be checking out, that life was telling me that it was my time or that I had o overstayed my welcome. My God I'm so fucking happy that my friends and family didn't let me listen to that shitty voice.
This year has been a year of rebirth for me, a lot has changed and it started with me. It started with a conversation with a friend of mine named Devon Coxx, he told me " Lean on us your friends, when I was going though my own shit I shut down and I regret the friendships I strained due to it." I latched on to this idea and took it to the extreme, agreeing to every plan a friend of mine made, confiding in my inner circle opening up to people was something I was not good at, because a few people in my life told me what I was and I believed them. But I needed to change so I stepped outside me comfort zone whenever possiable, I took up as many hobbies and went on as many adventures as I could in the name of growth and distraction.
I made many new friends and I made my old friendships stronger, I used them when I felt I couldn't go on, and the ones that stayed when they saw me at my lowest will forever have my gratitude because without you, I would have never made it to where I am now. Old friends who I had thought I had lost came back into my life, once I realized I had been a shitty friend to them wallowing in my own self pity, and keeping them farther then arms length and for that I'll always be sorry, you mofos always have had my back and you deserved better. Every single fucking one of you I've learned and grown though thank you so much.
My focus shifted this year from all the bad things that happened to all the good things that were happening, I made a choice to not allow myself to be beat down like that again, to see my life as something amazing, to let go of anger and resentment that I'd held on to for years like a blanket with too many holes in it, it was time to replace my way of thinking, to one that didn't be live he was owed a thing but rather grateful for everything that I did have. But, there was something missing a hole in me that I couldn't fill with everything I'd tried to.
Then, she came into my life, we'd always been friendly and got along well at work but, I never in my life thought she'd mean as much to me as she does now. It started off a as good friendship, more physical then anything else, but quickly I realized that, she was cut of the same cloth as me, she threw things down and I picked them up, I thought she was too cool to like me in any other way then friend and I was ok with that not great but ok. Then I found out she felt the same way about me, SHE was actually nervous about us to and I could've just died of happiness. We click on every level, we get along like old friends that just get each other and it is insane to me sometimes that I had not seen this sooner. But maybe that was because I had to become what I have to truely let her in, so that Matttmar, could become a thing. I'm so thankful for you babyluv, your everything I need in a woman, strong, straight forward, fun, a touch crazy( in a way similar to me) your so fucking hot and cool, and just thank you for being you! You increase my confidence just knowing you are on my side.
And now it seems it's time to walk away from a job I've held for 7 years, my only job, really, And I find myself scared and excited for this new opportunity. I also think it's just crazy, how quickly life can change, 2016 is gearing up to be a good year for me all the cards seem like they are finally in place for me and for once I feel happy and content unafraid at what lies next because I know that with the help of my family and Friends I'm gonna rock 2016 and beyond. Cheers to you crazy mofos that make my life incredible!
This year has been a year of rebirth for me, a lot has changed and it started with me. It started with a conversation with a friend of mine named Devon Coxx, he told me " Lean on us your friends, when I was going though my own shit I shut down and I regret the friendships I strained due to it." I latched on to this idea and took it to the extreme, agreeing to every plan a friend of mine made, confiding in my inner circle opening up to people was something I was not good at, because a few people in my life told me what I was and I believed them. But I needed to change so I stepped outside me comfort zone whenever possiable, I took up as many hobbies and went on as many adventures as I could in the name of growth and distraction.
I made many new friends and I made my old friendships stronger, I used them when I felt I couldn't go on, and the ones that stayed when they saw me at my lowest will forever have my gratitude because without you, I would have never made it to where I am now. Old friends who I had thought I had lost came back into my life, once I realized I had been a shitty friend to them wallowing in my own self pity, and keeping them farther then arms length and for that I'll always be sorry, you mofos always have had my back and you deserved better. Every single fucking one of you I've learned and grown though thank you so much.
My focus shifted this year from all the bad things that happened to all the good things that were happening, I made a choice to not allow myself to be beat down like that again, to see my life as something amazing, to let go of anger and resentment that I'd held on to for years like a blanket with too many holes in it, it was time to replace my way of thinking, to one that didn't be live he was owed a thing but rather grateful for everything that I did have. But, there was something missing a hole in me that I couldn't fill with everything I'd tried to.
Then, she came into my life, we'd always been friendly and got along well at work but, I never in my life thought she'd mean as much to me as she does now. It started off a as good friendship, more physical then anything else, but quickly I realized that, she was cut of the same cloth as me, she threw things down and I picked them up, I thought she was too cool to like me in any other way then friend and I was ok with that not great but ok. Then I found out she felt the same way about me, SHE was actually nervous about us to and I could've just died of happiness. We click on every level, we get along like old friends that just get each other and it is insane to me sometimes that I had not seen this sooner. But maybe that was because I had to become what I have to truely let her in, so that Matttmar, could become a thing. I'm so thankful for you babyluv, your everything I need in a woman, strong, straight forward, fun, a touch crazy( in a way similar to me) your so fucking hot and cool, and just thank you for being you! You increase my confidence just knowing you are on my side.
And now it seems it's time to walk away from a job I've held for 7 years, my only job, really, And I find myself scared and excited for this new opportunity. I also think it's just crazy, how quickly life can change, 2016 is gearing up to be a good year for me all the cards seem like they are finally in place for me and for once I feel happy and content unafraid at what lies next because I know that with the help of my family and Friends I'm gonna rock 2016 and beyond. Cheers to you crazy mofos that make my life incredible!
Tuesday, December 1, 2015
J-Stars Victory Versus Plus (Review)
This game originally caught my eye due to the box I'm sad to admit , it's one of the few times brand marketing worked on me. This game has a bunch of anime characters shoved into one game they play slightly different, but overall the simplicity of the combat system makes everything feel samey which is this games biggest flaw.
The controls are simple there is jump, attack, strong attack, and projectile, dodge, and support, there are combos but overall they are very simple mostly being attack and strong attack combinations. Victory is handled in a unique way each team can be downed a certain amount of times between 1-3 is all I've seen the winner is the one who fills the victory gauge first, you'll find you need to keep an eye on your teammate during harder battles as they alone can be taken out and cause you to lose.
There also is a burst meter in the center on the victory gauges for each team. This gauge goes back and forward and is influenced by the momentum that your team, is getting once you get it to either end that team can activate burst which increases speed and attack, along with allowing for ultimate moves to be used. When an opponent uses their burst it's best just to dodge and run allowing the meter to run out.
Adventure mode is spilt into 4 arcs which essentially are, One piece Arc, DBZ Arc,Naurto Arch and Bleach Arch, with random characters thrown in. The overall story is a being throws a tournament for all these fighters winner gets whatever they want as a wish, teams of three are made, and they hunt down these medals, they need to bring to the god like entity. Now this here was ok it dragged on a bit but by the end it was alright didn't overstay it's welcome, cool I'm done now I thought. No. After you do this you have half a game left while you run around trying to get keys now, godamn it J-Stars why? The worst thing is after I beat this arc, I started another, besides some small dialogue changes its word for word the same as the first arc. I really don't understand why they couldn't have just let you pick your three guys from the beginning and had just the one story, 4 times of the same boring long story? Fuck that.
The game over all is mindlessly entertaining and I may have forgave more of its faults had I not bought this game for $60, for that price you can flesh out the game a bit more guys.But it is very cool to see Bo BoBo fight Goku, and it did give me a bunch of different animes to check out which is never a bad thing, a friend of mine really enjoyed the Troriko one. If you can find it for $20 or less grab it if you like anime, if not pass on this mediocre sort of fighting game.
The controls are simple there is jump, attack, strong attack, and projectile, dodge, and support, there are combos but overall they are very simple mostly being attack and strong attack combinations. Victory is handled in a unique way each team can be downed a certain amount of times between 1-3 is all I've seen the winner is the one who fills the victory gauge first, you'll find you need to keep an eye on your teammate during harder battles as they alone can be taken out and cause you to lose.
There also is a burst meter in the center on the victory gauges for each team. This gauge goes back and forward and is influenced by the momentum that your team, is getting once you get it to either end that team can activate burst which increases speed and attack, along with allowing for ultimate moves to be used. When an opponent uses their burst it's best just to dodge and run allowing the meter to run out.
Adventure mode is spilt into 4 arcs which essentially are, One piece Arc, DBZ Arc,Naurto Arch and Bleach Arch, with random characters thrown in. The overall story is a being throws a tournament for all these fighters winner gets whatever they want as a wish, teams of three are made, and they hunt down these medals, they need to bring to the god like entity. Now this here was ok it dragged on a bit but by the end it was alright didn't overstay it's welcome, cool I'm done now I thought. No. After you do this you have half a game left while you run around trying to get keys now, godamn it J-Stars why? The worst thing is after I beat this arc, I started another, besides some small dialogue changes its word for word the same as the first arc. I really don't understand why they couldn't have just let you pick your three guys from the beginning and had just the one story, 4 times of the same boring long story? Fuck that.
The game over all is mindlessly entertaining and I may have forgave more of its faults had I not bought this game for $60, for that price you can flesh out the game a bit more guys.But it is very cool to see Bo BoBo fight Goku, and it did give me a bunch of different animes to check out which is never a bad thing, a friend of mine really enjoyed the Troriko one. If you can find it for $20 or less grab it if you like anime, if not pass on this mediocre sort of fighting game.
Bloodrayne:Betrayal
This game is frustrating as all hell, but you do feel pretty good every time you progress. Bloodrayne has always been a bad series to me On didn't like the first one the second one was worse somehow, so when this one was first brought to my attention I simply didn't care.That is until I saw Wayforward was making it, and that it was a 2D side scroller, that looked very cool.
I started playing this game in October as part of my Spooktober event but, didn't end up beating it till the end of November because of two reasons first my ps3 is used by my roommates as a Netflix box soon don't play it very often, second this game has a steep difficulty curve. It starts out easy enough it plays like a side scrolling brawler which I always enjoy, the way you get health is to weaken your foes then suck their blood (Which struck me as weird because your enemies are vampires) wash and repeat and you have your first levels. Then the game throws all kinds of different things at you tough platforming sections, enemies that you can't feed off of, the bosses are insanely hard until you learn the patterns and even then Damn! The worst levels are these flappy bird esque levels that make you fly around as a raven though obstacle courses that test your patience to no end. The thing that saves you from just raging is that for the most part check points are plentiful and you spawn almost immediately, which I'm always a big fan of.
The story is bland and I'll admit I barely paid attention to it at all.At one point this dude betrays you, and at the end you fight your dad, because of course that happens. Wayforward isn't really know for its storytelling abilities and relies mostly on its game play, and I have to admit for all its faults I felt like it was mostly my fault when I died. Whenever that happened it was because I didn't get something down right or I missed a ledge by just an inch, Overall this game is something you should play if you want a challenging game that looks pretty nice. OH but the concept art is grotesque like truely horrible looking.
I started playing this game in October as part of my Spooktober event but, didn't end up beating it till the end of November because of two reasons first my ps3 is used by my roommates as a Netflix box soon don't play it very often, second this game has a steep difficulty curve. It starts out easy enough it plays like a side scrolling brawler which I always enjoy, the way you get health is to weaken your foes then suck their blood (Which struck me as weird because your enemies are vampires) wash and repeat and you have your first levels. Then the game throws all kinds of different things at you tough platforming sections, enemies that you can't feed off of, the bosses are insanely hard until you learn the patterns and even then Damn! The worst levels are these flappy bird esque levels that make you fly around as a raven though obstacle courses that test your patience to no end. The thing that saves you from just raging is that for the most part check points are plentiful and you spawn almost immediately, which I'm always a big fan of.
The story is bland and I'll admit I barely paid attention to it at all.At one point this dude betrays you, and at the end you fight your dad, because of course that happens. Wayforward isn't really know for its storytelling abilities and relies mostly on its game play, and I have to admit for all its faults I felt like it was mostly my fault when I died. Whenever that happened it was because I didn't get something down right or I missed a ledge by just an inch, Overall this game is something you should play if you want a challenging game that looks pretty nice. OH but the concept art is grotesque like truely horrible looking.
Thursday, November 19, 2015
Godzilla (PS4)
This game was awesome, but awesome in the way a sparkler is, it's neat at first for sure but it doesn't do much else afterwords. The game does a good job of making you feel like your fighting giant monsters, but it really could have used a better story mode.
So, the first thing you will notice is that there are 4 different modes, God of Destruction mode is your sort of main mode you go pick a kaiju and then start battling other kaiju. You pick your paths mostly it's just a difficulty choice, or a monster choice, this is also how you unlock other monsters when you beat one you will unlock them. The way difficulty works is one of my favorite touches so I'll mention it here, you switch difficulty whenever, you switch paths changing difficulty changes the leader of the humans, easy is this guy that wants to understand the kaiju, Normal is this chick who is more intwnse, and hard is this dick guy. You must run through this mode multiple times before you will be able to actually beat, it and you won't do it with and under leveled kaiju.
The next mode is King of the Kaiju mode which is arcade mode basically you just run through much faster and is the best mode to grind up kaiju parts which is how you level up your kaiju.The level up system is honestly annoying there is so much to level up on these kaiju, especially a few of the godzilla's and the only way to do that is to battle certain kaiju, or jaugers which gets annoying because you never know what your going to battle in either of these two modes, thus grinding is just more tedious then it should have been.
The next two modes are cool but hard to recommend playing for very long. The first is diarama mode in which you just place figures then take pictures, I'm sure some will have more fun with this then I did, I'm glad it was included but over all I didn't sink much time into it. The last mode is online versus, which can be aweful if your kaiju are not leveled up, the first time I played I started with my regular non leveled Godzilla Damn I got beat down by this monster of a godzilla, that was fully leveled up, the next time I played I was upgraded and fought a non upgraded version of myself and I felt like a cheap dick, it's just not fun because you rarely get a even match.
The game looks and feels very good overall, however I was smiling my ass off the first few times though God of Destruction, you use the shoulder buttons to turn, and it is a bit slow but you feel the weight of the kaiju, your playing as when you do so, other then that there are just a few attack buttons but it works and feels great. The other mechanic to keep in mind during is that the more stuff you destroy the stronger you grow you also get bigger overall, towards the later levels you better have been destroying everything otherwise you are screwed.
The negative things I have to say are that the game gets repetitive quickly,especially with the way the level system works.Versus mode is also broken due to this leveling system as you won't be getting many equal matches at least in my experience.Speaking of Godzilla, is the only monster you need to use as his level tree is the largest and he learns the most. Also while there are a bunch of awesome kaiju, and jaugers from the series there are about 4 versions of Godzilla and two versions of a few other kaiju, which is lame because the cast is pretty small overall.
The positive is that this feels and looks amazing it is a Godzilla game for sure. The cast is cool and you get awesome monsters like biolante and destorayah. If you love Godzilla you will like this game, if you don't I wouldn't even bother with it.
So, the first thing you will notice is that there are 4 different modes, God of Destruction mode is your sort of main mode you go pick a kaiju and then start battling other kaiju. You pick your paths mostly it's just a difficulty choice, or a monster choice, this is also how you unlock other monsters when you beat one you will unlock them. The way difficulty works is one of my favorite touches so I'll mention it here, you switch difficulty whenever, you switch paths changing difficulty changes the leader of the humans, easy is this guy that wants to understand the kaiju, Normal is this chick who is more intwnse, and hard is this dick guy. You must run through this mode multiple times before you will be able to actually beat, it and you won't do it with and under leveled kaiju.
The next mode is King of the Kaiju mode which is arcade mode basically you just run through much faster and is the best mode to grind up kaiju parts which is how you level up your kaiju.The level up system is honestly annoying there is so much to level up on these kaiju, especially a few of the godzilla's and the only way to do that is to battle certain kaiju, or jaugers which gets annoying because you never know what your going to battle in either of these two modes, thus grinding is just more tedious then it should have been.
The next two modes are cool but hard to recommend playing for very long. The first is diarama mode in which you just place figures then take pictures, I'm sure some will have more fun with this then I did, I'm glad it was included but over all I didn't sink much time into it. The last mode is online versus, which can be aweful if your kaiju are not leveled up, the first time I played I started with my regular non leveled Godzilla Damn I got beat down by this monster of a godzilla, that was fully leveled up, the next time I played I was upgraded and fought a non upgraded version of myself and I felt like a cheap dick, it's just not fun because you rarely get a even match.
The game looks and feels very good overall, however I was smiling my ass off the first few times though God of Destruction, you use the shoulder buttons to turn, and it is a bit slow but you feel the weight of the kaiju, your playing as when you do so, other then that there are just a few attack buttons but it works and feels great. The other mechanic to keep in mind during is that the more stuff you destroy the stronger you grow you also get bigger overall, towards the later levels you better have been destroying everything otherwise you are screwed.
The negative things I have to say are that the game gets repetitive quickly,especially with the way the level system works.Versus mode is also broken due to this leveling system as you won't be getting many equal matches at least in my experience.Speaking of Godzilla, is the only monster you need to use as his level tree is the largest and he learns the most. Also while there are a bunch of awesome kaiju, and jaugers from the series there are about 4 versions of Godzilla and two versions of a few other kaiju, which is lame because the cast is pretty small overall.
The positive is that this feels and looks amazing it is a Godzilla game for sure. The cast is cool and you get awesome monsters like biolante and destorayah. If you love Godzilla you will like this game, if you don't I wouldn't even bother with it.
Saturday, November 14, 2015
Anxiety/Depression
It's happening again I don't know why or when it will happen but my minds decided it hates me, here it says is everything wrong about you, your ugly, fat, abrasive,mean, you can't amount to anything ever. People don't like you it says they feel bad for you, your fucking pathetic.
My mind tells me strangers hate me that, I'll fail if I try this or that so it's better to just stand still, but I hate myself more for that, to stagnant is worse then death yet it's all I can do when I'm like this.
My friends I don't deserve you, yet your what I need to push on, I don't always believe any of you like me, when I screw up I'm so fucking afraid that you'll leave you won't like me anymore, and I lock up when this happens,or make things worse because that's what I'm good at. I cry for hours after any slight altercation, because I know you'll hate me now you'll leave, and I love you all too much. I feel like a burden on all of you. I'm scared I annoy you all with my whinyness and self hate so I try and lie sometimes, smile tell you I'm doing great but I'm not.
I'm trying so fucking hard. Brain please just let me be free.
My mind tells me strangers hate me that, I'll fail if I try this or that so it's better to just stand still, but I hate myself more for that, to stagnant is worse then death yet it's all I can do when I'm like this.
My friends I don't deserve you, yet your what I need to push on, I don't always believe any of you like me, when I screw up I'm so fucking afraid that you'll leave you won't like me anymore, and I lock up when this happens,or make things worse because that's what I'm good at. I cry for hours after any slight altercation, because I know you'll hate me now you'll leave, and I love you all too much. I feel like a burden on all of you. I'm scared I annoy you all with my whinyness and self hate so I try and lie sometimes, smile tell you I'm doing great but I'm not.
I'm trying so fucking hard. Brain please just let me be free.
Wednesday, November 11, 2015
FREE
The rush you get while driving recklessly though the streets at night with no traffic, or screaming your favorite music truly letting your emotions pour out of you with each word, the feeling you get staring at the stars and just taking in the beauty of everything around you allowing you to feel insignificant and alive at the same time.
The ability to not worry about what others think or care what they maybe saying because you know you are what you should be, or being able to feel love for people without embarrassment or the need for it to reciprocated, to be able to share anything with a person and know it will be ok to just fall to pieces with them around.
The courage to stand up for what you believe in no matter how hard it is going to be for you if you do, to be willing to admit your faults to others and know that you will learn from these failures turning them instead into lessons, being willing to experience new things and thoughts especially if you disagree with them.
Freedom is a state of mind it's the only thing that no one can control that is yours and only yours it's to be treasured above all else as at its essence it is what makes us human, not just drones working non-stop going in circles. Never allow this to be taken from you, Think, Love,Live,and Learn. Be Free.
The ability to not worry about what others think or care what they maybe saying because you know you are what you should be, or being able to feel love for people without embarrassment or the need for it to reciprocated, to be able to share anything with a person and know it will be ok to just fall to pieces with them around.
The courage to stand up for what you believe in no matter how hard it is going to be for you if you do, to be willing to admit your faults to others and know that you will learn from these failures turning them instead into lessons, being willing to experience new things and thoughts especially if you disagree with them.
Freedom is a state of mind it's the only thing that no one can control that is yours and only yours it's to be treasured above all else as at its essence it is what makes us human, not just drones working non-stop going in circles. Never allow this to be taken from you, Think, Love,Live,and Learn. Be Free.
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